Struggling with my Marriage: Logans Mum
When I had Logan, I left the hospital and took that picture with my husband carrying him out in a car seat. But after that, things really changed in my relationship. Some days, I felt like I was living with a stranger. I was not at all affectionate, as I didn’t feel attractive. At the same time, my husband changed; this man who I took to the scans, who helped me prepare our son’s room, and who I fell in love with over and over again was just lost in his own world. He hated his job and was just unhappy, and even Logan didn’t seem to change that, which made me so cross—and that didn’t help either.
It felt like I was pushing against a barrier he’d built around himself. I was left here trying to manage the chaos: the nappies, the lack of sleep, and trying to feed myself with one arm while my husband, who was in his own bubble, made me feel more lonely and confused about why this wasn’t like a Hollywood movie!
Every conversation was strained or heated, and I felt like I was constantly biting my tongue, thinking it was better to just have awkward silences. My friend, who had a baby at the same time, kept posting about her world and showing pictures of her wife asleep next to their baby girl, which just made me feel jealous and cross. I questioned whether I had chosen the wrong partner, if I had forced this, and if we were actually ready.
About five months in, when I started to get some more sleep and energy, I spoke to my husband and asked him to get some help, which he did. He quit his job and stayed home with us, which turned out to be the best thing at that time. He became present and happy, suddenly the dad I thought he would be. I started to feel not so alone anymore. Financially, not going to lie, it was a lot of pressure, and I had to go back to work a bit earlier, which brought a huge amount of mum guilt. But we found us again.
I actually think couples can have an identity crisis when you have a baby, but instead of sitting in silence, talk. Maybe if I had done that in the first six months, it would have been a bit easier. I often find myself thinking about what it means to be a family in this situation. I want to support my partner, but I also have to honour my own feelings. It’s difficult to navigate this new reality where love feels tangled with frustration and confusion. I’ve started to talk more openly about how I’m feeling, sharing my loneliness and longing for connection. And actually writing this has felt like I have released a lot of those tears that I held in.