IVF Baby and taking some time

It’s funny; I thought having a baby was a timeline that I could control - right when I decided I was ready, the baby would just arrive. After so much IVF and eating healthily, that line on the pregnancy test finally turned blue. For eight months, I was just so scared of the moment he would be born. But he was, and the birth was actually amazing, even after hearing all those horrible birth stories.

What I didn’t realise was how lonely I was going to feel, and that also made me feel guilty. I had prayed for this baby for years and cried over every loss. But now that he was here, I felt lost. I worried that if I told anyone, they would think I was depressed, so I kept it to myself. My wife, who had also wanted this baby, was going through a lot as well. She had to go back to work just one week in but also wanted to be a stay-at-home mum with me.

 Just leaving the house was so hard. There was so much to fit under the pram, and my little boy was so clingy - he would cry when I didn’t hold him.

Having a shower for longer than a minute became my escape. When my wife came home, I would jump in the shower for ten minutes and love that freedom. But at the same time, I could constantly hear my baby crying in my head. I would look in the mirror after that shower and not recognise my face. I looked so tired; my bloody hair was falling out, and I felt continually itchy. Let’s not even talk about my boobs, which felt like they weren’t mine anymore.

It did get easier, though. We went on holiday, and my wife really helped a lot. I was even able to sunbathe and go shopping, and during those moments, I thought, “There you are.” After that, I kept having more and more of those moments.

Getting back into my size 12 jeans, opening a bottle of champagne with my wife on my birthday, and going out for dinner felt exhilarating. Getting in the car without the baby, turning the music up full blast, and singing - those “there you are” moments were just me giving myself some time. It didn’t mean I don’t love my little boy; I am so grateful he arrived, our little miracle. But that doesn’t mean I have to give up on giving myself some time, too. 

my Message to mothers

So, my advice to you mums out there is to have some more “there you are” moments and you will find yourself again slowly.