Twin mum : my return to work story

I remember my first day of maternity so clearly. I woke up and hated not going to work. Being a PR was part of who I was and suddenly that was gone. 

Then the twins arrived and whatever sense of self I had left disappeared in an instant. 

If I’m honest, I had never dreamt of being a twin mum, like some people do. I had imagined getting pregnant, enjoying my singleton baby, maybe going back to work for a bit, then having another when I was ready. Slowly and on my terms. Little did I know. 

Overnight I went from hating not working to feeling like I could never work again, never leave them. The exhaustion, the hormones, the confusion, I remember looking at them and thinking they didn’t come from me. My body had done something my mind hadn’t caught up with. 

The overwhelm was constant. My nerves were shot. I was so on edge my husband lived on eggshells around me. 

I didn’t want help. I didn’t  want to be any less of a mum to either of them just because there were two. So I carried on, exhausted, stubborn, desperately lonely despite never being alone and slowly losing myself. 

Because of lockdown I didn’t go back to work for 18 months and I was so glad at the time. But when I finally did, I quickly realised it was the best thing for me. Finding that part of my brain again was like therapy. It was about remembering who I was before children, and realising she hadn’t gone. She was still there, but there was this whole new part too called mum and that’s never going to change.