The plan is... there is no plan
I like to plan. I was going to finish university, get a great job, meet a man who I would marry and start a family with and then live happily ever after. How blissfully simplistic. I started strong and loved my career so much that I relocated with it - away from my friends, family & support network I held so dear. I figured I'd eventually move back home but then I met the man I would marry and start a family with. He came complete with a tween son so that was us anchored in location. He also had a dream to have his own business which we initially ran from our spare room. We moved to a leafy suburb in anticipation of becoming part of a community in which we would marry and raise children.
Shortly after we married and conceived I started to become acutely aware of the state of the world in a way that weighed on me so much more heavily than it ever had before. I also became incredibly conscious of the relationship my stepson would have with my unborn daughter. Not long before my due date I thought I felt reduced movement and so went to get that checked (it was all fine) but I'd tried to convince my husband not to come with me because I didn't want to leave my 14 year old stepson home alone and feeling like we were prioritising his sister. Two weeks later I rolled out of bed to go to the loo and pondered whether my waters had broken. My judgement was completely clouded by the idea I might have to leave my stepson again and this would impact a future relationship with his sister so I convinced myself I'd just moved so slowly due to my heavily pregnant state, that I'd wet myself. This was despite all I'd learned in NCT classes and from the experiences of other mums. Fast forward and I was in labour being told I couldn't have the water birth we had planned because there was a higher risk of infection as a result of my waters breaking 4 days ago.
I had to stay in hospital for a couple of days after the birth and we arrived on the ward at the same time as four proud grandparents and my stepson. I made sure he was the first of them to hold his new sister and then realised we hadn't even properly done that ourselves! Once settled back home, I was so distracted by a newborn (and helping with our business whilst being on mat leave from my own career) that the new siblings' relationship took its natural course without my interference and he proudly took his sister to meet his own mum, satisfying me that all would be well despite the 14 year age difference.
I made 'mum friends' and spent my days juggling social arrangements and helping with our business whilst on mat leave from my own career. I love socialising and value the opinions of others but I found myself constantly questioning what I was doing because I was so open to hearing the thoughts, feelings and judgements of others. I couldn't wait to get back to work where I knew my value and what I was doing. Aside from the initial return where I had a brief spell of imposter syndrome, the return to work definitely boosted my self esteem and confidence but it didn't take long until I felt like a part time parent and a part time employee.
On reflection, I don't think any amount of planning could have prepared me for just how much my life was going to change when I became a mum, and how much it continues to change along the way. From mat leave to nursery to primary school and now to secondary school, each stage has brought both personal and professional challenges but also joy. I've been a mum for over a decade now and without question I feel like my sense of identity continues to ebb and flow along the way.
Message to other mums
The world is a really noisy place and it's easy to lose yourself in it so trust your instincts. I say this as a reminder to myself as much as a message to others!