Feeling Sad: Rue’s Mum

I thought I was prepared for motherhood, but nothing could have prepared me for this whirlwind of emotions. Some days, I feel pure joy when I look at my little boy Rue, and other days, I feel completely lost. The love I have for him is profound, yet there’s a part of me that longs for my old life, which at times feels like it’s gone forever.

In the past few weeks, I’ve cried more than I ever thought possible. It’s as if the floodgates have opened, and I can’t seem to stem the tide. One moment, I’m filled with wonder as I watch Rue discover the world; the next, I’m overwhelmed by a sense of loss -loss of my independence, my routines, and even my sense of self.

When I do meet my old friends, whom I’ve known for years, I can’t concentrate. I spend my whole time looking at my phone, checking that Rue is okay, and I just can’t wait to get back to him. I feel like my friends think I’ve changed and that I’m no longer me. I’m just lost in wanting to be with Rue all the time. Where I once loved going out, right now, I just want to be on the sofa having cuddles.

Finding a balance between the old me and the new me feels like an impossible task. I’m trying to embrace the joy of motherhood, but it often feels overshadowed by this emotional rollercoaster. I’m filled with love and gratitude, yet there are days when I just want to scream into a pillow, wishing for a moment of quiet or a return to the life I once knew.

My goodness, did I not sleep enough before Rue was born! And if one more person tells me to sleep when the baby sleeps, I think I might scream. The house is a mess, and it feels like a metaphor for my life. But in all this chaos, I am happy and so grateful for this little man—he is the best thing that ever happened to me.

I want to be the best mum for Rue, but sometimes I wonder if I’m enough. I feel like I’m navigating uncharted waters, and every wave pulls me in a different direction. I know I’m not alone in this; many mothers must feel the same way. But in those moments of darkness, it’s hard to see the light.

The sleepless nights don’t help either. I often find myself staring at the ceiling, listening to Rue’s gentle breaths, and wishing for just a few uninterrupted hours of rest. Each day blends into the next, and I sometimes forget what it feels like to have a full night’s sleep. Yet, when he smiles at me, it makes everything worth it.

I keep reminding myself that it’s okay to feel this way and that it’s part of the journey. I’ve started jotting down my thoughts, hoping to make sense of this whirlwind. Reflecting on my feelings has become a small comfort amid the chaos. I hope that by sharing these thoughts, I can connect with other mums who might be feeling lost too. We’re all in this together, and perhaps in our shared stories, we can find some comfort and understanding.

I’ve also begun to reach out to other new mums. I joined a local group, hoping to find camaraderie in our shared experiences. It’s reassuring to hear them express similar feelings of joy and confusion. We support each other in our WhatsApp chats, sharing tips about sleep, feeding, and even the occasional meltdown. It helps to know that I’m not alone in this journey.

Each day is a new challenge, but I’m learning to embrace the little victories. Whether it’s Rue’s first giggle or a successful nappy change, I’m cherishing these moments. I remind myself that it’s okay to take things one day at a time, and that in the midst of chaos, love is the constant that holds everything together.