Lost

I was later than my friends in having a baby, by a good 6+ years. I felt very prepared in terms of pregnancy and what to expect generally afterwards having been around it so much. My pregnancy was brilliant. I loved being pregnant and had very few issues. I had great care and was so active and fit throughout. I think at times my husband would forget I was growing a baby!

The birth on the other hand was not brilliant. Turns out I can't give birth naturally - something they wouldn't ever be able to tell beforehand. It ended up in an emergency C after everything else was tried first. I was so out of it when my son was born I managed to ask if he was ok and then pass out. He was mostly ok - I wasn't.

This all stopped me from having that gush of emotion when he was born. No heavens opened, no lighting bolt moment. It took a while to connect and feel that deep love people talk about. I truly wish that people would talk more about that and normalise it too.

Then came the day to day. I was properly cross with all my friends who'd had their babies before me for not telling me how HARD it is. I felt lost. I felt lonely. I wondered why it seemed like I was the only one who seemed to feel this way. Why was I feeling it was harder than others? Why at times did I worry so much about holding my baby in case I hurt him?

Turns out it just took a little time and some grace and some new mum friends who were at the same stage as me in the parenting journey who would understand. I still found the early days lonely and long, but I grew into all of it and found the best mum tribe at the school gates. Now the friends from the start with the older children are so good for helping me with the next stages I'm facing with my two.

Message to other mothers:

It may feel lonely at times and like you are a little lost, but I promise you are not alone in feeling as you are. It is hard. It can be lonely. But you are the world to your little one and they are to you too. You are doing an amazing job xx