I just don’t fit : Georgie

I remember thinking that nothing would change when Amelie was in my tummy, and that even when I went back to work early, she could just sit wrapped up while I worked. I had a C-section that went fine, but post-surgery, my body shut down. I was very unwell and ended up in the hospital for over a month with a lot of tubes. When I finally got out, I felt incredibly weak and overwhelmed as a new mum. I think that was the start of not feeling like myself.

I really wanted to make friends with other mums, but it felt very lonely at home while everyone else was out in the world working. I didn’t want to be apart from Amelie because I wanted to protect her. Being a stepmum added another layer; when I had Amelie, the kids reacted. This made me worry that they wouldn’t be happy about Amelie’s arrival. However, she brings them so much joy, so that worry was just me overthinking things.

I joined a baby massage class, as that’s what people advise you to do with your baby. But when I got there, I was the only new mum. All the other mums had two or three children already and seemed to know each other. That’s when I started to feel like I didn’t fit in as a mum; I couldn’t find someone I related to. My NCT group was amazing, and we definitely supported each other on our WhatsApp group, but we never really shared how we were actually feeling. Instead, we sent messages about rashes, temperatures, cutting nails, and breastfeeding. Not once did I tell this group of mums that I was feeling lost - not until I figured out why.

I had to return to work very early since I work for myself, and I really struggled with that too. My priorities had changed, and at that moment, I just wanted Amelie all day long; I was totally in love. During work calls, I would have Amelie asleep in the pram, turning my camera off to check on her, willing the call to hurry up so I could spend time with her again.

For about eight to nine months, I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, but I just didn’t feel like me. I didn’t feel depressed; I just felt lost. I adore Amelie, but in those first nine months, I didn’t know who this new Georgie was. One day, I read an article about the identity crisis women often go through after having a baby, and it felt like someone hugged me. I finally understood why I was confused.

I met an amazing coach who asked me to write a letter from Georgie at 26 to Georgie pre-mum and post-mum. This exercise showed me how much my identity had changed, but that it was a good thing. We are often clouded by exhaustion and overwhelming love, which can make it hard to see that our priorities and roles as mums do change. It’s so important to recognize that it’s absolutely okay to feel this way; most of us do.

We often see a mum walking down the road, lost in that cloud, attending a baby sensory class but not really talking, clearly having had a rough night. With each class, they become a bit more talkative and gradually start to regain their confidence, as people say. I remember seeing one mum whose baby was a year younger than Amelie. One day, I saw her in my daughter's nursery, and she looked like a completely different person - not a mum stuck in the exhausted cloud, but a mum who had found herself again.

my message to mothers

I really hope this diary account shows you that you are not the only one. We all go through moments where we can feel a bit confused about who we are, pre-baby and now. Mum Love is built to do just that, and if you are ready and happy to, we would love to hear your story and show other mums that we all have a story.