Hidden treasure !
I went to the doctors three separate times because I felt uncomfortable and not quite right. Each time I was told the same thing — that I was severely constipated. I trusted the diagnosis, even though deep down I knew something still didn’t feel normal. On the fourth visit, a doctor suggested I take a pregnancy test.
I was 20 weeks pregnant.
Halfway through a pregnancy I didn’t even know I was having.
The shock was overwhelming. I had just started a new job that I was so excited about — it felt like the beginning of my new career. I’d booked a holiday. I had plans and goals and a clear picture in my head of how my life was finally coming together. Finding out I was pregnant turned everything upside down. Instead of excitement, I felt panic, fear, and grief for the future I thought I was about to have. This wasn’t what I had planned or wanted at that time, and I really struggled to come to terms with it.
During my pregnancy, I suffered with prenatal depression. While other people expected me to glow and feel excited, I was battling feelings of sadness, anxiety, and detachment. I felt guilty for not feeling happy about something that so many people long for. It was an incredibly confusing and isolating time.
After my baby was born, things didn’t suddenly feel better. I developed postnatal depression too. I had to live at home with my mum for four months because I couldn’t afford to live independently, which added to the sense that my life had gone backwards just when I thought it was moving forward. I struggled deeply with bonding with my baby. I felt disconnected, overwhelmed, and ashamed for feeling that way. I kept thinking, “This isn’t what I wanted,” and that thought weighed heavily on me.
Eventually, I was able to move out. Things didn’t magically improve overnight, but slowly they became more manageable. Little by little, I started bonding with my baby more each day. What once felt forced began to feel natural. Over time, I found myself genuinely loving motherhood — something I never imagined in those early days.
Just before my baby’s first birthday, life shifted again. I split up with his dad, and two weeks before Christmas I lost my job. It felt like everything was falling apart all over again. It was messy, stressful, and incredibly uncertain.
But now, looking back, I feel completely different. I feel strong. I feel capable. I feel proud. I absolutely love being a solo parent. What once felt like the end of everything I had planned turned out to be the beginning of something I never knew I needed.
Message to other mothers:
To any mum whose journey didn’t go to plan - you are not alone.
Motherhood doesn’t always begin with joy. Sometimes it begins with shock, depression, and the feeling that this isn’t what you wanted. That doesn’t make you a bad mum - it makes you human.
Love can grow slowly. Strength can be built in the hardest seasons. And just because it didn’t start beautifully doesn’t mean it won’t become beautiful.
Keep going. Your story isn’t over yet.