1. When breastfeeding – shit my nipples are really hair I should really pluck those
2. I really hope they stop being cross eyed soon
3. Is my child possessed when their eyes are rolling back into their head
4. Please don’t piss all over yourself when I take your nappy off
5. Is there any point changing my clothes when I know I’m going to be covered in sick in the not too distant
6. How hard can I blow in their face to keep them breathing
7. Can they smell the alcohol on my breath as I blow in their face
8. How much wine is too much when in charge of a baby
9. If I just close my eyes I’ll wake up very shortly – just a little nap
10. Does it ever stop being so relentless?
11. How old do they have to be to start at nursery? 2 weeks?!
12. What is that noise? Jesus Christ I forgot I had a child for a split second
13. How long is it going to take me to get my body back?
